Our Christmas Wishlist (Because Universal Healthcare Won’t Fit in a Stocking)

Several Christmas stockings hanging on a mantle

Flickr / Ryan Smithright

RFID slim wallet/credit card holder

Whether you’re a billionaire who avoids taxes like a Q-Anon’er avoids logic and reason, or a possession-less peon whose credit scores are lower than MTGs IQ, this wallet can keep your American Express cards from being hacked, like the Supreme Court Justices (hi, Samuel!) after the Roe reversal.

Check price on Amazon.

Sleep headphones Bluetooth headband

If you still haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the day twice-impeached gelatinous orange monster-boy came down the escalator in 2015, these headphones can provide relief. Just make sure you don’t listen to Steve Bannon’s War Room podcast via the Bluetooth headband — because whether or not you doze off, those nightmares are reality.

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Right or Racist board game

Guaranteed to separate the Bernie Bros from the Musk-eteers. Pro tip: the first ingredient in the right is racist.

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Magnetic wristband for holding screws, nails…

Many January 6th insurrectionists were armed with axes and guns and knives. But many were not prepared for the task at hand. This magnetic wristband can change all that! If the insurrectionist to your left just lost a drill bit after being bear-sprayed by that other insurrectionist, instead of crouching down to grab it and practically guarantee being trampled, now the replacement 5/42” bit is just an ulna bone away!

Check price on Amazon.

Massage gun

There’s no waiting period for this gun! Take your second amendment rights and plunge ‘em into the deep tissue of your thigh or gluteus maximus. Endorsed by Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman.

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Compact telescope

This compact telescope is perfect for seeing all the way to Mars, where if you wait a year then squint you can see Elon Musk fleeing to after he’s destroyed Twitter and Tesla and democracy.

Check price on Amazon.

Wireless photo mini-printer

Now after you take a dick-pic, instead of just emailing it around to friends and random strangers, with this wireless photo mini-printer, you can transform your member into hard copy! Perfect for leaving on the windshields of cars who have blocked your driveway.

Check price on Amazon.

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